Dear David

This isn't a literary masterpiece. I copied it down from the scrawls of legal pad pages torn out messily and stuffed in an envelope. Despite months of trepidation, the letter wrote itself. The words acted as if they'd been locked in the pen and now finally were released with ease. I figure that means the Holy Spirit was speaking. I think too much for it to have been me. The letter is to my brother David; he's serving a prison sentence at Fort Grant right now. I have turned down many collect calls, and the letter he sent to me has sat unanswered in the kitchen for months. Before mailing the reply I finally penned, I felt like copying it here. As Easter approaches, I am in a new place with God. It's a very humble place, and well, I just don't have much else to say I guess. While the letter is probably blasé to anyone reading, it is significant to me. If you have someone in your life that perpetually "needs fixing," or if you're the one everyone disapproves of, or you're just looking to waste some time, feel free to read on. Insight not guaranteed. Just a pretty plain letter from a sister to her brother.

Hi David,
I guess I have been holding off writing. You've been in my thoughts almost daily, but I could not bring myself to write. I want to write, though, to tell you that I hope your time away from this side of things has given you what you needed, or at least set you on the path to achieving you dreams. Above all, I hope you have considered living a life in relationship with the One who designed you, has a purpose for you, and loves you beyond life itself. Loves you in the way you were made to be loved.

Life is hard. I have gone through my own humbling circumstances, and it has left me feeling a bit speechless. For many years I have thought I knew what was right for you. I always had advice or opinions about how to "set you straight." I have begun to see now that no person can truly heal another. No program can provide freedom. Each of us has a prison to deal with...whether we live in it for life is a personal deal. Some people's prisons are visible, like yours, but many more of us hide ours well. I'm saying this philosophical stuff only to get at one point: I'm sorry for judging you and thinking myself "superior." I've decided it's due time to "let" you go. You have made many choices that have been selfish, deceitful, and just plain cruel. I would imagine you feel sorrow and shame for that.

Well, welcome to the club, I guess.

I realize now more than ever that we each have a path that God works in to show us that:

1) We are wicked sinners who cannot get it right even when we try out hardest or don't try at all. (Romans 3:23)

2) He knew we'd fall. He loved us. loves us. even in the moments we are ugliest. (Romans 5:8)

3)He gave his only son to live a blameles life, face every temptation man faces, and then bear the weight of all our sins on his bloodied back as he hung on the cross being shamed, belittled, and mocked. (John 19: 1-30)

4) He raised his son from the burial tomb to LIFE, to be King, to be man's best friend, savior, healer, true love, encouragement, and total, complete redeemer from our sins. (Hebrews 4: 15-16)


Some people are humbled quickly and cling to God, abandoning their wants for a life spent knowing and being fulfilled by Him.

Others fight his call and suffer much before submitting. Submitting to what? His love. His way. It is a "death" as Mark 8:35 talks about. It is a death that many are unwilling to lay their lives down for. Little do they know, they will be raised to life... and life abundantly. (Jon 10:10)

Others still never relent and keep trying to get what they want.

I hope this letter is conveying what I pray it does-- that I love you. I too am on this journey and as I am running (tripping, going the wrong way, sitting, and so on) I shout to you: "You got this, David. Follow your heart and that still quiet voice of God. He will not leave your nor forsake you." Following after Him is frightening... but I suppose anything that is worth it is. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Easter is coming (4/20). That's kind of ironic as I write it down. 420 ... pot has been a giant battle in our family, and perhaps a thief to steal our family's joy. Well this 4/20 is Easter, and I will look at it differently. The things I wrote were not to "preach" at you or persuade you, but truly what is on my heart in my own life.

I will miss you at Annie's first birthday on April 12. :( Damn. <-- I couldn't think of a more suitable word to describe my sadness, frustration, and anger.

Well, I pray that when you read this letter you feel a good friend sitting beside you saying, brother, I love you.

I couldn't love you more if I tried.

I'm not putting money on the phone to talk. I just don't have much to say, I guess. I figure you will weigh your choices and determine what is right.
(Everyone here is doing well.)

Your sister always,
Rachel

Revolutionary Love

SB 1062 had me weighing some things this week. To be short, I ended up here:

Luke 10: 25-37

The Parable of the Good Samaritan

²⁵ On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

(Did you catch that this person was an EXPERT in the law? And he was "testing" Jesus? That tells me that this expert had some conflicts with Jesus' teaching, and he wanted to toss out a tricky question to see if Jesus would say something offensive.)

²⁶ “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
²⁷ He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b]”
²⁸ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
²⁹ But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

(Do you ever find yourself asking this question? Who IS my neighbor? Does neighbor include people are not Christians, people who treat me badly, people who lie, people who practice what I consider to be evil practices, and so on...)

³⁰ In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. ³¹ A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. ³² So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³ But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. ³⁴ He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. ³⁵ The next day he took out two denarii^[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
³⁶ “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”
³⁷ The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”
Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”


What is Jesus saying here? For Jesus to say the the Samaritan was an example of love in this parable must have thoroughly shaken the Jewish law expert. The parable is offensive because the Samaritan was a sinner, but not just a sinner; Samaritans were a continuous source of difficulty to the Jews and their faith. This little bit of historical context will give that parable much greater meaning and depth in regards to what Jesus was preaching to the religious of the time: 

The Assyrians took over Israel in 722 B.C., and took the majority of Jews captive. The remaining Jews were exiled. The Assyrians brought in gentiles to live amongst the Jews, and these gentiles brought pagan idols and pagan practices. The captive Jews began to worship these idols, intermarry with the ungodly foreigners, and taint the faith they once followed. In result, their descendants were called Samaritans rather than Jews. After 70 years, a remnant of the original Jews were permitted to return to the Assyrian-dominated area, and they began to rebuild Jerusalem according to the Jewish faith and morals.  The Samaritans ardently opposed and undermined their efforts to rebuild the Jewish nation. And so, a great bitterness and hatred grew between the two peoples. 

With this history and Jesus' parable in mind, Bible.org says, "It is not the person from the radically different culture on the other side of the world that is hardest to love, but the nearby neighbor whose skin color, language, rituals, values, ancestry, history, and customs are different from one’s own."

Food for thought. Remember Jesus didn't come to be president of a country or king of a nation. He came to be a savior to a condemned world of hard hearted, selfish people...us. We were in need of love then, and we are now. When we face opposition, let us look to his revolutionary love to move mountains, to protect and provide.

In the meantime, love God with your life before him. Love others as you do yourself.

Seeing Beauty in the Mundane

It is incredibly tempting to dream fantastic dreams while neglecting the small responsibilities we have before us. What has God given you and me, and are we prioritizing these people and things above our dreams of more? Someone else put this is such a stunning way. It left me feeling just that, stunned.

This excerpt is from No Greater Love by Mother Teresa:

   "Always be faithful in little things, for in them our strength lies. To God nothing is little. He cannot make anything small; they are infinite. Practice fidelity in the least things, not for their own sake, but for the sake of the great thing that is the will of God, and which I respect greatly.

   Do not pursue spectacular deeds.  We must deliberately renounce all desires to see the fruit of our labor, doing all we can as best we can, leaving the rest in the hands of God. What matters is the gift of your self, the degree of love that you put into each one of your actions.

   Do not allow yourselves to be disheartened by any failure as long as you have done your best. Neither glory in your success, but refer all to God in deepest thankfulness.

   If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. The Lord has willed me here where I am. He will offer a solution."

A lot is being said there. Might want to go back and read again..I know I did.

The Six-Letter Word.

Change. As we approach 2014 I am challenging myself [and you] to get out of people pleasing and keep your eyes on God. This allows us to share love, speak life and walk by faith when we encounter the most hard-to-please people and face the most difficult situations.

The first verse on my mind is about family, and how Jesus viewed family ties:

Matthew 11: 46-50 

^46-47 While he was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers showed up. They were outside trying to get a message to him. Someone told Jesus, “Your mother and brothers are out here, wanting to speak with you.”

^48-50 Jesus didn’t respond directly, but said, “Who do you think my mother and brothers are?” He then stretched out his hand toward his disciples. “Look closely. These are my mother and brothers. Obedience is thicker than blood. The person who obeys my heavenly Father’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

Jesus said family isn't about blood relations. If that were the case, we would not be children of God because we have sinner DNA. We are just big failures in the self-control department: Rage, Unforgiveness, Jealousy, Lust, Laziness, Greed..they rear their ugly heads in our lives, and we often defend them.

Fortunately, Jesus does have God's DNA. There's a reason His name is the one and only Son of God. Yet he also became son of man and submitted to walking through life as we know it, experiencing our pain and human nature. We don't have a God that doesn't understand. In fact, He understands every single bit of the fallen world and in Christ empathizes. I have read that Jesus's favorite name for himself was son of man. He used it more than any other name. It seems he didn't want us to place him on a pedestal to simply look up to, but to turn to him as "God with us", Emmanuel. We can turn to him with full assurance that the Almighty extends grace and love. His gift for we who believe is grand and full of glory-- we are adopted into righteousness becoming children of God! By faith in Christ's life, death, and resurrection we are no longer slaves to sin but filled with the life-giving spirit of God. That is pretty much the most incredible news I've ever heard. People are u.g.l.y. This is news we all need because ugly people do evil things in our world but people filled with the Spirit of God bring love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

When it comes to a life of faith, family are those that walk alongside you choosing faith in God and a life obedient to him. Some are offended by that, but it's what Jesus said, and I'm taking it to heart. Love your family, serve your family, honor your family-- but don't let negative people have a discouraging effect on your life because they have "family" status.

It isn't just family that can be difficult to please-- it's the friend that is continually offended, the unhappy significant other, the employer with unattainable expectations, the picky neighbor, or whoever comes to mind. It's strong in my mind that I'm both a wife and mother-- and I don't want to set the precedent for my family to care more about pleasing people than pleasing God. That said, it's difficult not to be liked!  This brings up the second passage I wanted to share:

 Acts 13: 50-52.

"Some of the Jews convinced the most respected women and leading men of the town that their precious way of life was about to be destroyed. Alarmed, they turned on Paul and Barnabas and forced them to leave. Paul and Barnabas shrugged their shoulders and went on to the next town, Iconium, brimming with joy and the Holy Spirit, two happy disciples."

People who are hard to please are often unwilling to change themselves. As the verse points out, when their precious way of life is being threatened they focus their discomfort on you. If you try to speak to them about improving your relationship [requiring change], they put all the blame on you. Paul and Barnabas knew the truth-- people's hurtful actions and words are more a reflection of their inner turmoil than anything to do with you. 

We don't have to react to these kinds of people, and we don't have to keep them close. Paul and Barnabas shrugged their shoulders and went on brimming with joy and the Holy Spirit, two happy disciples. 

Don't let the grumps, know-it-alls, and hard-to-please people distract and disarm you in 2014... even if they're 'family'! Shrug your shoulders, shake the dust from your feet, and move forward with the joy of the Lord-- knowing you are loved by God and have a great purpose to do good with each day you are given. 

On to 2014. 

On teaching our kids...

I decided to become a teacher because school was very important to me as a child. It was a safe place that I could be successful and have control over my outcomes. Work hard, be rewarded. I think because I was fortunate to have a knack for academics, that way of thinking became sort of a motto for life. You know you've heard it, and maybe even believe it yourself, "You can do whatever you put your mind to." 

Ah, if only that were true. I've said that to many a kid, and in school, it is generally a valid statement. As we teachers often say behind the scenes, it's the high-achiever that does better in the classroom than the intelligent student who thinks outside of the box. The reason? School is largely based on effort..do your homework, study the material the teacher provides, strive to exceed the expectations laid out in the rubric. Check, check, check. Hard work can pretty much predict success, coupled with perseverance and willingness to find a way.

Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately, life is not as predictable. Injuries, illnesses, disabilities, accidents, lack of opportunity and the like can prohibit us from "achieving whatever we put our mind to." We learn through our own weaknesses, failures, and unfair dealings with life that things don't always go our way-- no matter how hard we may try. Yes, effort more often than not leads to tangible success. But failure, so to speak, develops something much more divine... an impervious spirit.

Something I'd like to instill in my daughter is that she is a masterpiece, unlike anyone else on the planet. She is uniquely gifted and contributes to our world that which no other person can bring-- herself. She ought not compare herself to someone else, or sell herself short because of the opinions and expectations of others. That's something we all need to hear time and again. And yet, I'd like to couple that with the sage advice that there will be a time (or two) that she will not accomplish whatever she puts her mind to.

And, not only is that all right, it is worthy of embracing. When our eyes open to our weaknesses and life's injustices it can make us a hardened and hopeless people. Yes, we grieve, for different lengths of time and in varying ways-- but I also pray we reach a brilliant moment of humility. In realizing our humanity, rather than despair, may we come to the plain truth that life is meaningless without God. May we acknowledge that we need a relationship with this God of the universe. The way we thought things should go are lost. We can ignore the pain, live with the pain, or by His grace, step out in surrender and say we'd like to know this God; in time, placing our full trust in the One we come to know. It's in getting to know the Creator that we receive redemption, healing, and, out of that flows love. Love for God, and a powerful love for others. This kind of love isn't out of our successes and helping a fellow up to where we stand triumphantly; in fact, it's out of shared understanding that we can't fulfill life on our own. It feels, at times, a bit sad. We grieve the life we thought we would create. Oh, but then, a beautiful life is not composed of college degrees, world travels, or the ideal family unit. It's patched together in quiet moments of empathy, a gained resilience, deeper and wider perspective, in freely proclaiming gratitude, and in the well seasoned, long endured patient love that has weathered the storm. This life shines through the clouds, bright as a new day.

This one goes to my precious daughter.

"Your beauty should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1Peter 3: 4

A Bird's Eye View: Dedicated to the IGT and Low Milk Supply Support Group

I read this picture today and came away realizing something unintended. 

I DID feed my baby everything she needed, for 9 wonderful months. I'd never really thought about it that way before. Then I realized something even greater, my perspective has changed. 

I remember the day I forced myself to go to the hospital's breastfeeding support group. It was FULL of mothers and babies, all strangers to me. When the time came for questions, I raised my hand and waited. When the leader smiled at me and beckoned for my question, my voice shook. I said something like, "My daughter is 3 weeks old today, and she sleeps for six hours at night. She also takes 4 hour naps during the day. Is that ok?" The woman shrugged saying she didn't know much about newborns (what!?) but a woman dressed in scrubs spoke up from the back, telling me to see her after the meeting. Turns out she was the IBCLC from the hospital and she managed the group. The lady up front was just leading a discussion on sleep training that day. 

After the room cleared, and I had waited for many women to meet with the IBCLC, it was finally my turn. I was the last one, and the conversation is etched in my memory. I had just told her my daughter's birth weight and what it had dropped to in the previous weeks. I was very hopeful my supply had increased at this point and that my daughter had made up the weight loss. After weighing, she looked at me and confirmed the fear I had tried to ignore, the fear that everyone had reassured me was imagined. My daughter had lost more weight. She said I had to supplement, right away. She reassured me it would only be temporary and help my daughter to become alert until my milk supply increased.  At her words, my heart shattered. The sanctity and health benefits I'd read about breast milk and breastfeeding were hindered when a mom introduced formula. Then, in reply to my earlier question about my daughter sleeping so long, she said that was because Annabelle was trying to conserve calories to survive. I felt my throat constrict and my face flush, as I did my best to hold back the tears that were already escaping down my cheeks. It was then that I really lost the beauty of becoming a mommy. I was struggling for the 3 weeks postpartum, but everyone [ family and friends that had breastfed] kept telling me to put baby to breast and it would work itself out. I halfheartedly convinced myself they were right, even though my instincts had said something was truly wrong. Now, I knew I had a big problem. Not an "oh, it will get better, just keep trying" kind of problem.

I was immediately ashamed, broken, and very alone. I didn't know anyone who had gone through this, and it took eight more weeks before I could stop crying every day. The IBCLC said I'd be able to make milk, just do x, y, and z. It isn't like me to take medicine or a lot of vitamin supplements, but I did (the line of pill bottles left over in my pantry are a fragment of the things I was told to take). I also wasn't planning to spend money renting a hospital grade pump, but I did. With little success, I spent another 8 weeks of doubting and questioning how I would do this for a year [my breastfeeding goal] because x,y, z had turned into abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. 

The various lactation consultant visits, the weight checks and hospital visits, the poky sns tube that leaks and frustrates my already hungry infant, the lack of knowledge and conflicting advice from medical professionals, the expenses, going out to buy pricy and hard-to-find vitamins with my newborn in tow, the domperidone meds I hated putting in my body, the round the clock pumping, the types of pumps and sizes of flanges, the round the clock washing of pump parts and bottles in addition to nursing on demand, the weigh-feed-weighs after every feed, the hours and hours of research looking for an answer, the [unintended] hurtful comments from people I loved, searching for milk donors, praying whether to accept milk, SPILLING milk, the desperation and exhaustion..as you all know, it is a lot to endure. When I began to suspect IGT, I made an appointment with my midwife and nervously told her (I was very ashamed.). She dismissed it immediately (without checking my breasts), and prescribed oxytocin-- yet another thing "to try." I was also in a lot of pain the first month due to one of my tears during delivery. Because it was an artery and a deep tear, the blood loss and iron supplements caused health problems for another three months. That threw me for a loop as well.

I had come to feel that I would never fully heal from this time in my life. Physically, yes, but emotionally no. Two weeks ago I paid a highly recommended IBCLC to look at my breasts, and though I already knew it, she confirmed an obvious IGT diagnosis. 

So when I read the quote on that picture above, and I suddenly realized I felt triumphant, I had to put my thoughts to paper.

At 24.5 weeks postpartum, "it" doesn't hurt as badly. It's still difficult, and yes, I only make 2.5 oz IN A DAY according to the scale I've rented, but guys-- it's different. I don't know what changed, but I've climbed the mountain and I have a bird's eye view... and the road ahead is really, really beautiful. I'm overcome with gratitude.

FOUR amazing women have committed to donating milk for Annie over the last 6 months, and I've been so fortunate to never run out. Before this, I never even knew about milk sharing nor could have thought I'd trust these women the way I do. But beyond that, I get to be the mother of Annabelle Grace LaGravinese. 

She is a beautiful treasure. Because of everything the two of us endured, I have an unbreakable bond with my daughter. Nothing can defeat us. We both know I will never, ever give up on her. "It" really doesn't matter anymore, and in realizing that, all the power, confidence, and faith I had been questioning came rushing in. The esteemed badge of "exclusively breastfeeding" doesn't sting now. Now the thought of mothers breastfeeding their children while I struggle with a lact-aid and a daughter who wants to squeeze the milk out of the bag, just makes me smile a knowing, calm smile. This has been my story of becoming a mother, and it's unique. Exclusively breastfeeding is an incredible gift, and I pray that one day I will experience it. I am a believer that God is wholly good, and I trust Him with my life and motherhood; however, in this moment, I cherish the lact-aid because I get to nurse my daughter to her heart's content.

Our traumatic beginning is healing despite things not being the way I, and my many family and friends, had prayed. As we approach 6 months of breastfeeding next week, it's funny how this bodily weakness doesn't carry the weight and power over me that it used to. I am a humbler person than I was 6 months ago, and I have gained a strength that can't be shaken. I'm also at peace. Thank you "IGT and Low Milk Supply Support Group" for being incredibly encouraging and supportive no matter what choices we make or what happens to our milk supply. 

From the bird's eye view, I see that it really wasn't about breastfeeding. It was about me overcoming adversity as a daughter of the most high God, and as a mother of the most precious daughter. Overcoming adversity, the time it takes and the path one follows, is different for every one of us. So, I dedicate this blog to each of you women in the world that is fighting to give their child what they believe is best. The IGT and Low Milk Supply Support Group is an incredible extended family. It's ironic that I was once embarrassed to join this group on Facebook because I thought others would see and judge me. Now I am so proud to be a part of it.

Thank you admins for maintaining the low milk supply group for people like me. 

Love to you all, and a warm hug from one mom to another. 

The Story of Annabelle Grace

This story has gone unwritten for more months than I anticipated-- but trust me, it has sat in my heart growing and deepening with time. So, in celebration of her 6 month birthday, here it is. 

I love you always, Annie! 

8.22.12 @10pm

I was with my mom and grandma on a trip, visiting family in Wisconsin. We were staying at my Great Uncle Bert's home that night. Earlier in the day I sneaked away from the family to buy a pregnancy test, and now everyone had gone to sleep. I clearly remember feeling my heart beating, like I was being the sneakiest person known to man. And..as we all know now, the test revealed I was pregnant. Afterwards, I tiptoed to the living room couch and lay there in the dark, feeling God had just given me the key to a treasure that no one else knew existed. It felt so sacred; I won't ever forget that night. Just me and my baby. I whispered prayers of gratitude and blessing over my treasure, and in those whispers I heard God tell me my little girl was safe. LITTLE GIRL!? I wasn't even asking God for that secret! I, of course, had doubts to whether I really heard Him or not, but I tucked it in my heart and for the next 9 1/2 months, the knowing never fully left.  (Don't worry! I called Joe and told him I had found something pretty cool in Wisconsin. He was unsuspecting. When I got home, I had him open my old glasses case, where he found 3 [stinky] pregnancy tests.) I was shaking, but I caught three blurry photos of the day Joe became Dad.

Weekend of 9.1.2013
We waited until the weekend of my 27th birthday to tell everyone. My Grandma Willan shares the same birthday as me, so she opened up our "gift" at her party, where my side of the family was gathered.

At my birthday party put on by Nana and Pa LaGravinese, Joe did a card trick...little did they know it would reveal their first grandchild!

3.9.2012 @2pm
The pregnancy went by smoothly, one of my favorite seasons of life so far. Even when I had morning sickness (and threw up in a stranger's well manicured lawn on my way home from work!), I genuinely loved my pregnancy so much. In March, the women in my family and my friend Marion threw a baby shower at our house, "fiesta style." I've probably never felt as loved and supported as I did that day. Of course I cried trying to thank these incredible women.

My mother-in-law gave me a book that helped me pray for a pain-free labor. I didn't tell most people I was praying for that- I knew they'd think I was delusional. I looked up scripture to renew my mind and taped them to the mirror. Anytime I felt doubt coming about my labor, I went and read the passages. Joe and I were also reading through Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon-- such an awesome book. We learned a lot, and felt prepared to do this together. By the time I was 9 mo, I was pretty EXCITED! Anytime my midwife asked me if I was nervous or afraid, Id say I couldn't wait to deliver. It's funny to me now that I had no fear about labor.. literally never crossed my mind. Thanks to God.

4.3.13 @ 10pm
Our Bible study group had decided to take on a prayer challenge. So this was my first night of the challenge. I sat on the ground by my bed (because lying in bed would involve more sleeping than praying), and I began to pray for people on my mind. Out of nowhere, I felt the Holy Spirit talk to me about our baby. He said she'd come next Thursday. Immediately I did one those, "God, is that you?" The words of the Holy Spirit just sat in my heart comfortably..that's the best way I can explain it. Again, I had one of those is this me or this God type of conversations in my head. Feeling a bit excited, I thanked God and went back to praying.

I knew it was really weird that God had told me when our baby would be born. So it took a full day before I told Joe. When I did, he immediately said he had some work to get done! Hahaha I guess he believed me when I wasn't so sure myself. He started making lists and preparing at work for this impending day... I remained in a quasi-- eh, God, let's see if I really heard you-- state of mind. At church that weekend, Joe was leading worship and I was volunteering in the nursery. When church got out, I came back to the congregation and everyone was saying, Thursday, huh? The baby is coming Thursday?? Apparently Joe had announced while leading worship!? I was so embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know because I was afraid I hadn't really heard God. I was afraid I'd make God look bad or everyone would think I was a fool for saying that. But, oh well, my secret was out!

4.11.12 @4am
I woke up to contractions. They didn't hurt, but felt like light movements in my lower stomach. I was like, wow! Is this really happening on THURSDAY? Then I tried to go back to sleep. By 6 I gave up trying to sleep and went to rock in the rocking chair. As the day progressed, I continued to feel contractions at about 3 minutes apart. Yet, I didn't feel Joe should head home because I felt totally fine! So, I decided to go get my hair cut and styled, and on the way to the salon my mom called. After hearing that my contractions were holding steady at 3 minutes apart, she convinced me to call my midwife. I reluctantly did, and they advised me to go the hospital. I remember asking, "Do I have to?" The nurse chuckled and said she couldn't make me. So I got my hair cut instead. (The stylist was a bit jumpy when I told her I chose her over the doctor at the hospital, but the haircut turned out cute.)

By the time I returned home, my friend Kay was there to go for our 3 mi walk. (I didn't tell her I was having contractions.) When we were almost home from our walk, my contractions began to pick up. Kay joked (I think?) that she wanted to run home and leave me. She stuck it out though, and I got home sweaty and feeling good. We drank water, and off she went.

It was about 5pm. Joe and I decided to make pizza on the grill. At 6, it was done and my contractions were feeling kind of uncomfortable. We tried to put a movie on, but by the time I'd finished my pizza, I needed to move around to accommodate the contractions.

For the next hour and a half, they continued to progress to the point that I couldn't stand. I would lean on Joe's shoulders, supported by his arms, so I could just hang limp. He would time the contractions and talk me through them. He was incredibly comforting, and I relied 100% on him. I think he got a good workout! I remember looking at the clock at 7, thinking, I can make it another half hour. By 7:30 I was on all fours, swaying and moaning. At this point, I told Joe he'd better pack up the car! Suddenly, things were intense.

The car ride there was...long. I was on all fours in the front seat [read: super uncomfortable], moaning at every turn and bump in the road! Joe was trying to drive quickly, but there was no 'quick enough'! We arrived through the ER entrance at 8pm, and they offered me a wheel chair. I sat down for about 10 seconds before deciding I would much rather walk! The contractions kept coming, and I felt the eyes of everyone in the ER. I was putting on a show, moaning, leaning on Joe, with each wave of contractions. The nurse gave me a look of doubt and told me it was a long walk, but we did it. Every few minutes, I'd have to pause, lean on Joe for the contraction, and then we'd continue on.

Turns out I was 6cm dilated, so they admitted me. My room was nice and spacious. They set up a labor tub, and I hopped in the warm shower while the tub was filling. It instantly felt better. They took my heart rate, blood pressure, and measured contractions from the shower. The tub ended up being too hot, but after Joe had them empty half and add cooler water, I was able to get in. All I can say is, Ahhhhhhhhh. It was so soothing. At this point I think it was probably 9:30. For the next 2 hours I was primarily in the tub. Joe fell asleep on the couch, and I slept on and off in the tub. My midwife came in sporadically to ask how I was doing, and I told her I thought labor had slowed down. I wasn't feeling much.

So she left.

At 11:30 I was tired of wading in the pool, sitting on the yoga ball, and pacing the room. The contractions were coming every 5 minutes or so, but didn't feel as strong as before. Joe had curled up on the couch and fell asleep. Being in that dark room, I felt for a moment like giving up. It was so quiet and cool. I was so tired. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep so badly; I couldn't understand why labor had come to a halt. I prayed in the tub, asking God to help me. Was I supposed to have the baby like I thought He said? I felt Him tell me to alternate spending 10 minutes in the tub, 10 minutes walking, and so on. So, I did.

4.12.2013 Midnight 
A half hour later, just after midnight, Ramona [our midwife] came in. I was sitting on a yoga ball and sadly told her not much was going on. She offered to check how dilated I was, just to encourage me. I shrugged and agreed. She had me lay on the bed, and as she checked, I saw her eyes grow big. By this time Joe was up and at my side. Her warm Texan accent said something like, "Oh my, Rachel! You're at 10 cm! ... [look of disbelief]... let me check again." Sure, enough. I was. She said it was time to push this baby out!

I was so surprised. She was so surprised. Joe was so surprised! At this time, I felt NO contractions. I had been waiting for the transition period they talk about-- where contractions are overwhelming, you may throw up or want to give up because of how painful it is. I could have rolled over and fallen asleep. I felt so calm and at peace, ready to cozy up in a warm bed and sleep. Ramona couldn't believe my demeanor. I honestly didn't know any better. This was my first labor experience, and beyond hearing stories from other women, I really didn't know what was "normal."

At about 12:40am, Ramona monitored my contractions and told me when to push, since I didn't feel anything. I did what she said, and Joe was by my side, stroking my head and encouraging me that our baby was almost here. I was focused, but still felt no pain or fear. We did three sets of pushes. My midwife held one leg, a nurse attendant held the other, and Joe helped me sit up and push. I did my best to breathe and relax my body, like the Bradley book had taught us. Joe would remind me to relax when he felt me tensing up.

On the second set of pushes, my water broke, and I felt so giddy! The rush of warm water was soothing and relieving of the pressure I felt. I kept asking excitedly, was that my water? Was that my water? Ramona nodded, and seemed more serious than I did. On the third set of pushes, I let out a cry of pain, and at 1:08am Annabelle Grace LaGravinese was born. When I go back and watch the video, I can hear Ramona ask me if I'm ok, and she says something like, I'm so sorry, Rachel. It didn't occur to me then that something had happened, but now I know I had two tears, one of which was a 2nd degree tear on an artery. It led to a lot of bleeding, and a very difficult recovery. But that story is for another day.

Joe was filming, and I could hear him crying and saying, it's a girl! He was so happy, laughing through his tears. They rested her on my chest, and I cuddled her warm body. She felt incredible, and the hospital staff kindly cleared out, letting us be alone with her and our families for the next two hours. We had our little girl, and the story of Annabelle Grace LaGravinese begins. 

April 12, 2013

7lb 11 oz, 21 3/4 in

Annabelle Grace LaGravinese