Anyway, after prayer intermission, I kept reading random passages all the way up through adulthood, and I came across those hard times in my life. When I began to read them, my throat started to feel constricted and my face got warm. It was hard to read; it stirred up bitter memories and pain. I considered throwing those pages away, actually several times. I could have sat there and cried for a long time. To my surprise (and probably yours too :), I didn't. Instead, my mind wandered to where I am now and kind of reflected on the process in between. And... then I cried, but out of gratitude.
It was a very humbling moment while "cleaning" the closet.
It's hard to put into words, but I think it's important to note this for myself, and as I prepare to be a mommy. When I wrote those journal pages, I remember being absolutely naive. And for the first 18 years of my life, I don't recall ever being in a situation where I was bullied, treated unfairly, or hurt on purpose. Is that uncommon? Maybe so. I did well in school, had a good job, had a trustworthy best friend... my formula was pretty simple: follow the rules, work hard, be kind and be around others that are kind. Ta-da! No troubles. Then, somehow, like magic- I turned 18 and things changed.
First, I started dating. That was a process in itself. Then, far more difficult, I met people that gossiped about me for no reason, and purposely would go out of their way to hurt me. I was in shock. What was wrong with these people? And where was this God I'd always believed in?? Between malicious people and dating.. I turned to God like I hadn't before. I wanted to know what he had to say now, not just that he was real. And, I heard God very clearly. I know many people probably doubt that is true or don't understand that. But it was during that time, God taught me something totally new and my relationship with him began.The first word I heard from him was concerning whether he was real, and concerning the validity of the Bible as I considered other religions with an open mind. That is a story for another time. But, in the midst of my world revolting against me, I heard this:
Luke 6:32-36
32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
That passage threw me for a loop. I believed that it was right to love every person no matter their color, nationality, or religion. But, if they treated you poorly, especially repeatedly, to leave them be, and move on with your life. (Also, it was then OK to therapeutically tell your family & friends horror stories about these enemies so they can side with you.) Good riddance. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved people. As long as they were nice back, or at least neutral.
But this Bible passage was different. I'd never had enemies until this point in my life, and now God told me to: be merciful, love them, do good to them, and lend to them without EVER expecting to get anything back.
WHAT?! To make a long story short, every time these people hurt or betrayed me, I'd go to my journal and write prayers for them. I also prayed desperately for God to help me love them, forgive them, and most of all, for God to protect me from harm. I didn't trust the people in the least bit. And more often that not, I felt fake, as I prayed and prayed for them. I didn't like them. In fact, I wanted to get as far away from them as possible!!!!! I also told God all about what they said or did to me, since I was trying hard not to go to my friends and family to talk about my enemies. It only made it harder for me to forgive them when I drudged it up again and again with friends & family. So, God became my best friend and guide. He still is! Love him!
As I said earlier, after re-reading those parts of my journals, remembering the pain of that time, my mind wandered to where I am now.
DATING: At the time of journaling regarding guys, God taught me to hate sin, and to pray for the man I wanted to meet. That's the only thing that guided me in ending my dating experiences- don't choose a partner that is accepting of sin, particularly sexual sin. (Note: I wasn't looking for someone who didn't sin, but someone who wanted to listen to God.) When things began to get physical with a guy I was dating, we'd end up having the sex talk, about how I didn't want to be intimate in a dating relationship. Then in time, it'd become clear, that whether the guy said he agreed or not (they always said they agreed), he really was just agreeing with me... and I certainly wasn't strong enough to be the only one in the relationship committed to a godly life. So that ended every relationship, slowly but surely. When I met Joe, I can tell you clear as day when I knew he was the man I wanted to go through life with. One night, we talked about sexual sin and he cried. Hard. I knew exactly why he was crying, because I had felt that same remorse many times. It was the knowing that you had wronged God when he'd already taught you what was right. From that day forward, Joe and I joined forces to follow God together, to support each other, pray for each other, and be honest with each other. I thank God for his grace in that time of my life where I was dating ungodly men, and for how God showed me how to do what I longed to do in my heart...yet felt powerless to do on my own. I am absolutely blessed... our marriage is a joy and a reminder of God's goodness. Joe is the most faithful, honest, giving, kind, compassionate, dedicated man.
*We were, and are, far from the example of holiness. That isn't the point of this paragraph. The point is that Joe is a man who struggles against ungodliness, rather than defends it. That's the kind of woman I am, and that's how I knew he was someone I could trust to be a real friend and lifelong companion.
LOVING THY ENEMIES: God somehow by his grace has made it possible for me to genuinely love my enemies. I don't understand it. All I know is he is merciful to the unkind and wicked, and through me having enemies, he has shown me what his love is like. I guess what's the weirdest thing about this part of God is that he gave that love to me. I didn't have to muster it up myself. I tried that, and it wasn't happening. Looking back, I can see that the process was to pray and listen to his guidance. He opened times to say a kind word here, to be merciful there, to give a hand. AND, for a long time I felt so fake doing this. I did NOT like the people I was doing this for. But, I loved God and I trusted God. So I spent a lot of time repenting because I'd still say ugly things about these people behind their backs. Even today, many years later, things will slip out of my mouth about them that I know are wrong. But I kept trying, and I didn't kick them to the curb like I really wanted to do, and lo and behold... here I am, today, and I can genuinely say I love them. I have compassion for them, I care about them, and I give willingly to them. I even WANT to do good to them.That's a miracle.
Most of these people haven't changed. They say and do ugly things that make me cringe and really, make me disgusted. I talk to God about it. ;) He tells me not to focus on their actions, but on his word, like in Luke 6 (quoted above)- to love. I don't consider these people friends or people I trust to be there for me. I don't expect anything from them. I know who gives me everything I need. :) And he does.
So, don't doubt God. Do what he says, and when you can't, pray that he would help you and change you. I know that I am a blessed woman. I also know that I owe the good things in my life to my Father in heaven. There isn't an iota of credit to my name, and that's kind of sad for part of me-- like, jeez. I suck. (I have journal pages dedicated to how depressed I was when I realized I sucked.) But, then, it's like a glorious awakening, that with faith in God, I am able to do all things. Everything he says is trustworthy, and for those that love him..really love him.. he works all things for their good.
Those are promises that have unfolded in my life. I love him more than anything. I hope it encourages you, too, that in times of hardship, you are not alone. When the world is against you, someone greater can be for you, if you want.
