Do It Afraid.

When I read, I try to picture everything in my mind line by line. It's a way to stay focused and draw the most meaning out of the words. Sometimes if I don't do that, I can't even recall what I just read. I do this with the Bible too. There's just one difference. When I read the Bible, I am believing every image that it describes, and I am committing it to heart as truth.

SO.
Last night before bed I was watching Acts 8-11 in my mind [reading]. It describes Stephen being stoned to death while a man named Saul stood by giving approval. Saul then goes on a rampage destroying and murdering Christians everywhere. It reads, "Saul was breathing out murderous threats...". (Please note: Saul believed in God. This is why he was so put off by this Jesus Christ claiming he was God.) Then it goes on to describe Saul's astonishing repentance and his decision to believe in and follow Christ. (It might be important to note that Jesus literally spoke to him from the heavens in a booming and authoritative voice, asking why Saul was persecuting him... then he blinded Saul.)

The only reaction it mentions from Saul is that he falls to the ground and asks,  "Who are you, Lord?" Jesus reveals himself to Saul, and gives him specific directions. Saul is still on the ground, shaking in fear, as far as I can tell.

Anyway, in this process, God speaks to another man, Ananias, in a vision, telling him to pray over this man Saul who is now a believer. Ananias, though totally afraid for his life, is obedient. Majorly good things go on to happen.

Then I got to ch.10 where a gentile [non-Jewish] commander in the Roman army is visited by an angel during his prayer time. The angel says something to the effect of, "Cornelius! Your love for God is evident. But there is more for you to know. Send men to retrieve a man named Peter, who will be waiting for you at Simon the Tanner's house in Joppa." The part I pictured was the way it described this obviously strong war hero's reaction: "Cornelius stared at him in fear." (But he did send his men for Peter.) Majorly good things go on to happen for Cornelius, his family, and friends.

What did I learn from my night-time reading? Well, my dog woke me up to go to the bathroom at midnight. As he wandered the yard playing fun night-time games, I stood there in the dark feeling very.. vulnerable. Not to bad guys. Not to wild animals. To God.

I was like, Oh dear.  Is an angel going to appear? I was spying out the shadows, seeing glints from the streetlight, and hearing things in the bushes. I was totally freaked out... that an angel was about to appear and tell me something CRAZY!

I had to laugh this morning. I'll tell you what though. I believe, and I will do it afraid. God isn't just a lovable teddy bear to squeeze when you feel lonely. He is serious business.

(And p.s. I can totally understand why people tried to literally hide from God by changing towns, etc. I turned on the lights and went in the house to feel safer... from God?? lol, really Rachel? A God appearance is intense.) Before you judge me to too harshly, look at these guys!

1. Saul was a powerful, murdering, cocky son of a gun. When God showed up... He cowered in fear on the ground.

2. Ananias was a faithful disciple already following God. Yet his immediate response was, "I am going to be killed. Lord, please nooo!"

3. Cornelius was a revered commander in the Roman army, and a faithful man of God. His response? A 'deer caught in the headlights' look of total fear. 

In the end, no angel visitations for me last night. Just an awesome dream about Disneyland where I had to solve a mystery. It was amazing.

Take God at His word. 

And when you feel afraid, you're in good company.  

People Projects

I'm not about turning people into projects. If I'm spending time with you, it's because I like you.

So, my wonderful friend Leah referred me to a blog called The Very Worst Missionary. I skimmed it and had a good time reading the lady's musings, until I read the line above. "I'm not about turning people into projects. If I'm spending time with you, it's because I like you."

I had to stop and think for a minute. I wish it was because I was just bathing in the thought of how much I agree. But it stung in the opposite way. I remember once telling my best friend that my husband is the only person I trust totally. She looked shocked, and hurt. I immediately thought, "Why on earth did I say that?" Followed by, "Shoot..it's true." 

So here's what I figure. God has been my best friend for a long time, and I know He has my back. I just love him so, so, so, so much. Not in a religious zeal kind of way, not in a bragging sort, or to uphold my Christian image. But in an honest to goodness, seriously, there is no one who has filled my heart to the brim with joy, peace, and absolute love like you. He was there when I was in the pits, and I didn't imagine it. I know it. But anyway, because of that relationship with God, when I meet people, the driving force is that they would know Jesus Christ too. And here's where things start to unravel.. I figure that I need to try to do this, and that, and everything I can to be... for lack of better words, perfect for them. In essence, there is a project in the midst. And the problem with me "trying to do this, and that, and everything I can to be... for lack of better words, perfect".. is that my whole logic here is just kind of contrived; this plan requires a perfect Rachel, and that is not me. There's a lot of great inadequacies I have to share with my friends..hehe.

The ah-ha moment today is that in many relationships I have 'tried' to bring God to people, instead of trusting that God brings himself just fine. Whooee! I can be plain ol' me enjoying plain 'ol them. That's a relief.  I won't ruin people's lives by letting them get to know me just as I am. It's ok if they don't like me. It's ok if God works in mysterious ways; I can trust him. I can trust people!

That got my brain rolling. Back in the day, there was this girl in my art class in college that brought tuna for lunch every day. She dressed weird, and she laughed a lot. She always opened her tuna in class, and everybody would gather into their lunch circles and talk about how she smelled, and what a weirdo she was. It made me mad. I liked her. Genuinely. But after reading that quote above, I started to question myself. Why do I always like the underdog? Should I not gravitate towards people like that? Is is just me wanting to find more... projects??? Augh. I was kind of having a mental break down. Because seriously, if you know me, you know I love the underdog. And I was starting to feel really sad about it all, and just unsure of my motives.

Well, then I went to clean off my kitchen cork-board, and beneath all the papers, I found an old index card with three verses on it. They read: 

Luke 12.. "Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning. [...] The Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him. 

Luke 13.. "I make every effort to enter through the narrow door." 

Luke 14.. "But when you give a banquet invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed.You will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous." 

It felt so good to read those, especially the last one. Jesus is all about loving the people at the bottom of the totem pole. He swam upstream, when most went down. And he has created that in me too. I really love people who are different. I find them inspiring, funny, and interesting. And I can say confidently now that it's not because they're a project, but because underdogs are like hidden treasure. I absolutely know Jesus would love to hang with them, and how much he loves them cannot be contained in me. I know that Jesus is smiling at how much I love the underdog. 

G is for grace.

"I do not know any way to explain why God's grace touches a man who seems unworthy of it." 

Whittaker Chambers

I like this quote. It suits my mood tonight of how I totally don't understand God's grace. The more I don't deserve it, the greater I receive.

Just want to say thanks to God for being the best friend I could ever have. Such an encourager and lover when I'm most unlovable. Teaching me to be that way to others. Will I ever get it fully? I just don't think so. Not in this lifetime anyways. But it's inspiring. When people talk about a good person in their lives, they say, "I hope to someday be just a fraction of what he [or she] was...". That's exactly how I feel. I'm just so enamored with this love I've found in Christ.

It's ... out of this world. ;)

Giving Gracefully

Today I'm thinking about giving. Some situations lately have led me to consider why we give. I've thought of three, though there are probably more.

         Probably the most popular way is to give to those who love us (family, significant others, friends). We give our affection, loyalty, money, and time. In return, we often receive affection, loyalty, money, and time from them too. It is this continual trade off of giving. This starts from an early age for most of us, and we begin to form this ideal in our young minds: give to those you care for, and they will be happy and give back to you. Not to say that our giving intentions are always to receive, but it's implied that giving merits some type of payback in our relationships. (This isn't guaranteed, I'm sure you know. We see this ideal cause riffs in many relationships because people have different ideas of what kind of payback they 'deserve'. After a certain amount of time, some people longer than others, if the giving and payback do not seem to balance out, we stop giving or give very minimally.)

       Another type of giving is to give to organizations we support. These organizations do not necessarily give back to us individually, but they further a cause we stand for, and that's payback in itself. This might look like tithing to a church, donating to a charity, or volunteering for a nonprofit. We gain joy out of seeing the organization succeed in its purpose. We develop the ideal that giving is a way of furthering our beliefs and leaving a fingerprint on the world. If the organization starts to do things we disagree with (in result, ending the payback), we simply stop giving. No payback, no gift.

     The third type of giving is giving to a stranger. This might look like giving a lift to someone who is walking down the road, buying a meal for a homeless person, letting someone else go first in the grocery line, etc. It's when one individual gives to an unrelated, separate individual. These situations rarely give back in a predictable way. However, they more than likely do give a payback. If it's outward it may be a smile from the stranger, a thank you, it may make you look good in front of others or better your self image. If the payback is intrinsic, it can be a number of things: make you feel like a good person, make you feel like you have purpose in this world, make you feel that you're achieving religiously, or bring honor to your cause (an organization you support). For instance, when a politician gives out freebies to strangers, he is bringing honor to his political party. When a church gives out free school supplies to needy families, this brings honor to their god.

   I'm not knocking any of these forms of giving at all. Receiving is great, and I definitely am not void of a lot of the reasoning I talked about. But here is the verse that made me want to jot some thoughts down on giving this morning.

Matthew 6:3-4

"When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. [The Message version]

P.S. A supporting is Luke 6:35

“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.

[NIV version]

I recently helped a family member out in a way that really stretched me financially, emotionally, and with my investment of time. But I did it because I fully believed and expected this would help the person become financially, emotionally, and especially, spiritually stable. It did not pan out the way I hoped. In fact, the person was angry with me at the end of my involvement. A while later, a stranger was in great need, and I spent a good amount of time helping the person with my time, finances, and encouragement. The person ended up falsifying my name for personal gain... and that was definitely not the payback I had in mind! I had hoped to again see the person financially, emotionally, and ultimately spiritually stable. Both times, I knew it was time to move on when the situation turned abusive, but my giving wasn't a failure.

I love that the Matthew verse says not to think about how it looks. Normally this would mean, don't be showy in your giving, but I also understand it as don't expect it to go your way. And I love even more that the last words in the passage say that God, who conceived you in love, is working behind the scenes and helping you out. When you give, and someone slaps you in the face (maybe literally, maybe figuratively ;), do you get angry or bitter? Do you regret giving to them? Do you respond by slandering them to other people, hurting them in revenge, taking back what you gave, sulking, pity-partying, etc? My parents taught me two things that I am barely beginning to understand.
1. My mom taught me to give secretly when possible.
2. My dad taught me to ask myself, if in the end this leads to pain on my part, is that ok? Am I prepared to give anyway? If not, he said, don't proceed.  

I like these lessons. Not because I want to be a doormat. In fact, I think these two methods of giving are both strong and bold moves. It isn't c'est la vi, what will be, will be. It's proactive and intentional. Couple that with the faith of knowing that God is working behind the scenes and helping you out* and it is actually AMAZING! You don't have to worry about defending yourself or putting people in their place. So those two circumstances I mentioned with the people above, I feel full of joy and gratitude that I was able to give to them, and I believe that God is working [present tense] behind the scenes in their lives to bring them to a place of peace with Him. We can only see so much of the picture, and even then, it's colored through our own lens. I have begun to see how blessed I am in my trials, especially when I am betrayed or my giving is abused. It's because my giving doesn't start and end with me, God sets it up, helps me with it, and then works behind the scenes long after I'm gone. It helps me to see how to love my enemies and to give to them graciously with a pure heart. It is really powerful.

Love it.

*The verse says God conceived mankind in love, and before helping us out with anything else, God's gift of salvation in Jesus Christ is his first, essential step for anyone that seeks his help. Some books I learned from, if you're interested in further research on the topic of Jesus Christ:
C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity and Lee Strobel's Case for Christ.  
(C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters is my absolute favorite, but has a fictional setting and is not a research book. I still took away great bits though, and would be curious on any of your impressions if you end up reading it!)

Lastly, I have these books if you want to borrow any. One is dog-chewed, but still readable. ;)

Nelson Mandela is human, too.

I recently finished Nelson Mandela's autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom. I love to read about these giants who seem to have overcome the bustle of everyday business and used their days to help the suffering and lift the downtrodden. It's natural to envision these men and women as heroes who have mastered something I haven't yet-- to think of them as people to admire and praise. But what I love most about Mandela's writing is how honest he is. Gosh, at moments I'd find myself reading and thinking, really? How could he have been so wrong? Why would he do such a thing? And as I read his candid memoirs, it was reassuring. His humility was really powerful for me.

Mandela wasn't unique or particularly gifted among his tribe. He didn't have some spiritual vision or grand calling for South Africa. As a child he was clueless to the circumstance around him, just like most of us are in our youth. To his credit, he is a man of great conviction, and he acted according to his conscience, or as Christians believe, he followed the Holy Spirit's lead steadfastly and with little question. A man of great faith. (Mr. Mandela is a Christian, by the way, but his book rarely if ever talks about theology. I honestly didn't know his faith, or if he had one, until the end of the book, which was also kind of nice. It wasn't like he wrote it to spout how great of a religious man he was or teach the reader a lesson.) In fact, many times Mandela discussed how he had to abandon his family for the cause of his people. He talked about his divorces and how he didn't care for his mother in her old age as he had wished to. He even questions whether his fight for freedom was worth it. I found it very comforting to hear a man so remarkable think back on his life with such sentiment. I don't think it was regret for what he did, but a longing to have been able to do more. He had to sacrifice so much, and it was humbling to hear his remorse.

Anyway, this blog is about that feeling he expressed. I feel silly comparing my feelings with Mandela's, but that's the great thing about his voice, and for me, his message. Of course his is a story of a fight against oppression and the ugliness of apartheid, but when I read it, I could hear him saying, it wasn't me who accomplished this. I did what I could, but someone much grander was at work. I know if he did read my blog he would be kind and generous in my feeble attempt to live a life that is worth it. His humanity allowed me the honor of being able to relate to his inadequacies, that he was really just a human trying to do what he thought best. I'm sometimes held back because I'm caught up in expecting more of myself in all these facets of my life (Christian, wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, woman, employee, neighbor, etc.) Then I think of the great need in the world, and the expectation grows exponentially. Whether it's a cultural pressure, a religious expectation, just the way I was raised or whatever-- it is a big waste of time. I just don't believe these ideals we strive for, as well intentioned as we can sometimes be, are the point.

I happened across this blog, and it brought it home for me tonight. Maybe for you too?

 "I choke because my every day life begins to feel small compared to the expectation. And He breathes truth that a life is not made by lives saved or bellies fed or words written. To adore the one who created the Heavens and the Earth, to give thanks for who He is and all He has given, to worship and commune with Holy God, whispering in the quiet, clinging in the noise, believing in all circumstances – this is what makes a life large."  Katie Davis @ kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

I dedicate this blog to the one who is always there for me and who accomplishes good in me and through me. If only I could properly thank you. You are always pointing me in the right direction, and turning me back when I go wrong. 

What can I do but thank you, what can I do but give my life to you? Hallelujah. 

What Can I Do?

Tellin' it to Titus (and you and me)

To all believers out there,

The thought that you or I could change someone into a good follower is simply untrue . Not to say I have not had that thought more times than I can count. It's just..the thought, as well intentioned as it may be sometimes, is pretty hypocritical and disillusioned. The power a believer has is to share the gospel..not to make it work. Is there someone you care deeply about that is not a Christian? There are several people I love that come to mind. When you pray, remember that the power lies in God and his inspired gospel. You speak it; it works. As a pastor who works in prison ministry encouraged me once, "The gospel is big enough on its own. It doesn't need any fancy techniques or creative presentations. Let it work."

So what do we do in the mean time, you know, to prompt them towards the truth? We quit focusing on the "bad habits" of other people, and love them. When you see someone who just seems diametrically opposed to everything you stand for, love them! Whether that be face to face, in prayer, through a gift, or the way you talk about them to other people. (This is for our benefit, not just theirs. In loving others, we are humbled into oblivion. Right where our good intentions belong. ;)

I am TOTALLY working on this, and really not there. Coming from a perfectionist, results-based past..this is hitting the un-do button on a lot of my habits.  But I am praying God fans this fire into a full on burn where 'I' ceases to be a thought, and 'they' is who I care about. I hope for you too that you grow more deeply in what it means to love others as yourself. This isn't self-deprecation or anything like that, just simply a get over yourself kind of deal.

Really, it seems that new testament scripture focuses heavily on teaching the believer how to live. So, followers of Christ, read Paul's words to Titus below and think about where you're at. Be encouraged by what God is teaching you through his Holy Spirit. 

Titus 3:1
"Remind the people [you & me!!] to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men."

Which part stands out to you? 

P.S. While the above verse is to all believers, in chapter 2, Paul specifically mentions teaching women to be reverent and not to be slanderers. The word 'slanderers' can be translated into 'diablas'... oh yeah, that's really what he said. Ouch.

All I Can Say is, I Need You.

I Need You

Want to curl up beneath your giant wings

Where all is right and peace is warm

against my body

Calming a weary heart

Rocking to the music of your love

Want to hear you whisper

in this darkness

Want to put my ear to your chest

And listen to the only rhythm that matters

in this lost place

Nothing satisfies

Nothing left to offer

What I have here is not enough

I want you so close that all I breathe

is you

Please be near

Craving

A thirsty soul in the driest desert

Come hold me close

Oh Lord, You soothe me

All I Can Say by David Crowder Band

Psalm 42: 1-2
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?