Ejaculated is a fancy word

  I was recently talking with a friend who is teaching in Tajikistan. She needed a good laugh, like every teacher, and every human being... especially when times are tough and you feel alone. She also needed sanity. I wasn't sure if I had enough of the latter to send her, but the least I could do is share one of my latest... moments.

  So, here's how it went.

  I have some of the sweetest and innocent little girls this year. A few weeks ago, one of them approached me during silent reading time with an inquisitive and proud look on her cute, freckled face. I beckoned her over, and she pointed to her book questioningly. "Look Mrs. L! I found a fancy word for said!" (I am always telling them to keep an eye out for fancy words that authors use, that they can use in their own writer's workshop books.) As I glanced down, Jenny pronounced it for me, "e..jac..ejaculated?" 

  Sure enough. That was the word. Don't worry! It was nothing sexual. Ejaculated was being used in the context of "said" or "replied". What were YOU thinking? Well, I was thinking the same thing. Who uses the word ejaculated in a children's book as a good word for said? I was so surprised in the moment that I still can't recall the sentence; you can imagine though, it went something like, "Run, quickly," ejaculated Mr. so and so. Jenny stood, blinking, waiting to know the meaning. "It means, he shot the words out quickly.Way to go, Jenny!" I responded honestly. What more could I do? She beamed, like she had hit the royal jackpot in word choice. "Wow. Ejaculated...Thanks!" she quipped, and trotted back to her pillow to read more.

  The moment passed, and I briefly considered the possible consequences, but soon I began math and it was a thing of the past. Over the next week my little reader had written her latest book in writer's workshop. Another week, and she had edited and published her book. It was time for author's chair. Jenny was the only student to publish that day, and headed up to the grand author's chair. The rest of the students crowded round her on the mat. I was busy getting my writing notebook to jot notes as she began to present her book. I was enjoying the story, and so were the students. In fact, the room was silent, other than the high-pitched, enthusiastic fifth grade voice reading aloud.

  

  Suddenly, I heard the word. She had used it in her book!? I'm usually a really calm person. But, I had a minor panic attack. Heat rose to my cheeks, and I felt my heart beating against my chest. Boys, boys, boys... All I could think in that moment, was nooooo. It was like slow-motion, eeejacuuuulatttted. It had been said. Several of the boys would be quick to pounce on this. I expected full on nudges, laughs, coughs (insinuating something other than a sore throat); whispers of conspiracy, girls looking around in surprise, wide eyes, wide eyes looking at me, wondering how I would handle this word. Innocent eyes wondering what was going on. And above all, poor Jenny up front reading her word loud and proud. Behold, class, this is my fancy word for said! I had to take control before the tornado hit. I put on my stern face and surveyed the audience, ready to catch the eyes of any mischievous boys before they could stir the pot.

  But you know what? There was nothing. Not a giggle. Not a smirk. Maybe a few suspicious eyebrows went up, but that was it! Amazing. I tried to go back to regular breathing, as Jenny continued, oblivious to my mini meltdown.

  And like that, it was over. PHEW. Parent phone calls and principal meetings averted. Praise God! I could only have imagined. "Hi Mrs. L. This is Jenny's mother. Today in class... ejaculated? Why ever would you teach my little girl such a word?" Word, word, word. My heart had just begun to slow again, and compliments began. (After every author's chair, students raise their hands with compliments for the author. The author picks two compliments, and then picks two more students to ask questions. The students have been taught to give quality compliments, like "I enjoyed your simile when you said... or, you used great voice through your character when he said...etc. So as the author reads their book, students are actively listening for writing to compliment afterward. Once two compliments have been given, the author can choose two more people to ask questions.)

  I scribbled a few more notes in my notebook as the first compliment began. It was Melissa, the petite, blonde sitting cross-legged near the front. She had been waving her hand excitedly and glancing back and forth happily from me to Jenny, me to Jenny. She must of had a good one.

  She's a sweetie pie, and tries really hard; of all the students though, she is far below grade level in reading and writing. Melissa has a hard time formulating her thoughts, and remembering ideas. This makes complimenting the author's chair particularly difficult-- she struggles to remember specifics from the story. So, when she was picked by the student to give her compliment, it was quite the event. Clear as day, she sat right up and announced, "I LOVED your word choice! E...jaculated!" Then she turned toward me, nodding and smiling so big, as if to say, did you hear that Mrs. L?? Did you see that I remembered the really good word choice!?

  Oh man.

  Really??? Of all the words Jenny used in her book, words like plethora, anticipate, shuffled... little ol' Melissa was able to recall ejaculated? And we all know Melissa had no intention of being anything but helpful and kind in her compliment. I had to smile back at her, and give the approving nod. Well done, Melissa. Well done, here we go. Let's rumble.

  If the rest of the class hadn't caught it on the first go round, they sure as day couldn't have missed this compliment, announced boldly for all the world to hear! I braced myself for the worst, and fully expected the principal to walk in to observe my cute author's chair activity. Then I fully expected the principal to ask me why, why Mrs. L, are you teaching our students to use the word ejaculated for said. What standard is that meeting? Would parents really approve of that? Aren't there other words for said that would be more... appropriate, perhaps?

  Despite the pain I was personally experiencing, my students said and did nothing. No reaction whatsoever. What?! Who are these kids and since when do they turn down a moment like this??? This is a miracle, is all I could think. While I continued to dialogue in my head, the next student complimented about sentence fluency or something like that, and that was it. It was time for questions. Compliments were over, and by an act of grace, I had escaped injury free. 

 Students waved their hands for questions. Jenny picked someone, and I closed my writing notebook with relief. Then I heard a snide voice (and to this day I don't know who asked it), "So, Jenny.. what DOES ejaculated mean???"

 Jenny smiled sweetly, and gave me a thumbs up. Thanks Mrs. L. You are the greatest Mrs. L. Let me teach the class all about it.

  "Well," Jenny answered in her all knowing voice, looking at each student with importance, "Ejaculated means to shoot out quickly!!!"

Silence.

"Right, Mrs. L???" All eyes on me.

I teach. I laugh. I have minor panic attacks. Welcome to my world... I hope it brings you laughter too.