The Six-Letter Word.

Change. As we approach 2014 I am challenging myself [and you] to get out of people pleasing and keep your eyes on God. This allows us to share love, speak life and walk by faith when we encounter the most hard-to-please people and face the most difficult situations.

The first verse on my mind is about family, and how Jesus viewed family ties:

Matthew 11: 46-50 

^46-47 While he was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers showed up. They were outside trying to get a message to him. Someone told Jesus, “Your mother and brothers are out here, wanting to speak with you.”

^48-50 Jesus didn’t respond directly, but said, “Who do you think my mother and brothers are?” He then stretched out his hand toward his disciples. “Look closely. These are my mother and brothers. Obedience is thicker than blood. The person who obeys my heavenly Father’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

Jesus said family isn't about blood relations. If that were the case, we would not be children of God because we have sinner DNA. We are just big failures in the self-control department: Rage, Unforgiveness, Jealousy, Lust, Laziness, Greed..they rear their ugly heads in our lives, and we often defend them.

Fortunately, Jesus does have God's DNA. There's a reason His name is the one and only Son of God. Yet he also became son of man and submitted to walking through life as we know it, experiencing our pain and human nature. We don't have a God that doesn't understand. In fact, He understands every single bit of the fallen world and in Christ empathizes. I have read that Jesus's favorite name for himself was son of man. He used it more than any other name. It seems he didn't want us to place him on a pedestal to simply look up to, but to turn to him as "God with us", Emmanuel. We can turn to him with full assurance that the Almighty extends grace and love. His gift for we who believe is grand and full of glory-- we are adopted into righteousness becoming children of God! By faith in Christ's life, death, and resurrection we are no longer slaves to sin but filled with the life-giving spirit of God. That is pretty much the most incredible news I've ever heard. People are u.g.l.y. This is news we all need because ugly people do evil things in our world but people filled with the Spirit of God bring love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

When it comes to a life of faith, family are those that walk alongside you choosing faith in God and a life obedient to him. Some are offended by that, but it's what Jesus said, and I'm taking it to heart. Love your family, serve your family, honor your family-- but don't let negative people have a discouraging effect on your life because they have "family" status.

It isn't just family that can be difficult to please-- it's the friend that is continually offended, the unhappy significant other, the employer with unattainable expectations, the picky neighbor, or whoever comes to mind. It's strong in my mind that I'm both a wife and mother-- and I don't want to set the precedent for my family to care more about pleasing people than pleasing God. That said, it's difficult not to be liked!  This brings up the second passage I wanted to share:

 Acts 13: 50-52.

"Some of the Jews convinced the most respected women and leading men of the town that their precious way of life was about to be destroyed. Alarmed, they turned on Paul and Barnabas and forced them to leave. Paul and Barnabas shrugged their shoulders and went on to the next town, Iconium, brimming with joy and the Holy Spirit, two happy disciples."

People who are hard to please are often unwilling to change themselves. As the verse points out, when their precious way of life is being threatened they focus their discomfort on you. If you try to speak to them about improving your relationship [requiring change], they put all the blame on you. Paul and Barnabas knew the truth-- people's hurtful actions and words are more a reflection of their inner turmoil than anything to do with you. 

We don't have to react to these kinds of people, and we don't have to keep them close. Paul and Barnabas shrugged their shoulders and went on brimming with joy and the Holy Spirit, two happy disciples. 

Don't let the grumps, know-it-alls, and hard-to-please people distract and disarm you in 2014... even if they're 'family'! Shrug your shoulders, shake the dust from your feet, and move forward with the joy of the Lord-- knowing you are loved by God and have a great purpose to do good with each day you are given. 

On to 2014. 

On teaching our kids...

I decided to become a teacher because school was very important to me as a child. It was a safe place that I could be successful and have control over my outcomes. Work hard, be rewarded. I think because I was fortunate to have a knack for academics, that way of thinking became sort of a motto for life. You know you've heard it, and maybe even believe it yourself, "You can do whatever you put your mind to." 

Ah, if only that were true. I've said that to many a kid, and in school, it is generally a valid statement. As we teachers often say behind the scenes, it's the high-achiever that does better in the classroom than the intelligent student who thinks outside of the box. The reason? School is largely based on effort..do your homework, study the material the teacher provides, strive to exceed the expectations laid out in the rubric. Check, check, check. Hard work can pretty much predict success, coupled with perseverance and willingness to find a way.

Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately, life is not as predictable. Injuries, illnesses, disabilities, accidents, lack of opportunity and the like can prohibit us from "achieving whatever we put our mind to." We learn through our own weaknesses, failures, and unfair dealings with life that things don't always go our way-- no matter how hard we may try. Yes, effort more often than not leads to tangible success. But failure, so to speak, develops something much more divine... an impervious spirit.

Something I'd like to instill in my daughter is that she is a masterpiece, unlike anyone else on the planet. She is uniquely gifted and contributes to our world that which no other person can bring-- herself. She ought not compare herself to someone else, or sell herself short because of the opinions and expectations of others. That's something we all need to hear time and again. And yet, I'd like to couple that with the sage advice that there will be a time (or two) that she will not accomplish whatever she puts her mind to.

And, not only is that all right, it is worthy of embracing. When our eyes open to our weaknesses and life's injustices it can make us a hardened and hopeless people. Yes, we grieve, for different lengths of time and in varying ways-- but I also pray we reach a brilliant moment of humility. In realizing our humanity, rather than despair, may we come to the plain truth that life is meaningless without God. May we acknowledge that we need a relationship with this God of the universe. The way we thought things should go are lost. We can ignore the pain, live with the pain, or by His grace, step out in surrender and say we'd like to know this God; in time, placing our full trust in the One we come to know. It's in getting to know the Creator that we receive redemption, healing, and, out of that flows love. Love for God, and a powerful love for others. This kind of love isn't out of our successes and helping a fellow up to where we stand triumphantly; in fact, it's out of shared understanding that we can't fulfill life on our own. It feels, at times, a bit sad. We grieve the life we thought we would create. Oh, but then, a beautiful life is not composed of college degrees, world travels, or the ideal family unit. It's patched together in quiet moments of empathy, a gained resilience, deeper and wider perspective, in freely proclaiming gratitude, and in the well seasoned, long endured patient love that has weathered the storm. This life shines through the clouds, bright as a new day.

This one goes to my precious daughter.

"Your beauty should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1Peter 3: 4

A Bird's Eye View: Dedicated to the IGT and Low Milk Supply Support Group

I read this picture today and came away realizing something unintended. 

I DID feed my baby everything she needed, for 9 wonderful months. I'd never really thought about it that way before. Then I realized something even greater, my perspective has changed. 

I remember the day I forced myself to go to the hospital's breastfeeding support group. It was FULL of mothers and babies, all strangers to me. When the time came for questions, I raised my hand and waited. When the leader smiled at me and beckoned for my question, my voice shook. I said something like, "My daughter is 3 weeks old today, and she sleeps for six hours at night. She also takes 4 hour naps during the day. Is that ok?" The woman shrugged saying she didn't know much about newborns (what!?) but a woman dressed in scrubs spoke up from the back, telling me to see her after the meeting. Turns out she was the IBCLC from the hospital and she managed the group. The lady up front was just leading a discussion on sleep training that day. 

After the room cleared, and I had waited for many women to meet with the IBCLC, it was finally my turn. I was the last one, and the conversation is etched in my memory. I had just told her my daughter's birth weight and what it had dropped to in the previous weeks. I was very hopeful my supply had increased at this point and that my daughter had made up the weight loss. After weighing, she looked at me and confirmed the fear I had tried to ignore, the fear that everyone had reassured me was imagined. My daughter had lost more weight. She said I had to supplement, right away. She reassured me it would only be temporary and help my daughter to become alert until my milk supply increased.  At her words, my heart shattered. The sanctity and health benefits I'd read about breast milk and breastfeeding were hindered when a mom introduced formula. Then, in reply to my earlier question about my daughter sleeping so long, she said that was because Annabelle was trying to conserve calories to survive. I felt my throat constrict and my face flush, as I did my best to hold back the tears that were already escaping down my cheeks. It was then that I really lost the beauty of becoming a mommy. I was struggling for the 3 weeks postpartum, but everyone [ family and friends that had breastfed] kept telling me to put baby to breast and it would work itself out. I halfheartedly convinced myself they were right, even though my instincts had said something was truly wrong. Now, I knew I had a big problem. Not an "oh, it will get better, just keep trying" kind of problem.

I was immediately ashamed, broken, and very alone. I didn't know anyone who had gone through this, and it took eight more weeks before I could stop crying every day. The IBCLC said I'd be able to make milk, just do x, y, and z. It isn't like me to take medicine or a lot of vitamin supplements, but I did (the line of pill bottles left over in my pantry are a fragment of the things I was told to take). I also wasn't planning to spend money renting a hospital grade pump, but I did. With little success, I spent another 8 weeks of doubting and questioning how I would do this for a year [my breastfeeding goal] because x,y, z had turned into abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. 

The various lactation consultant visits, the weight checks and hospital visits, the poky sns tube that leaks and frustrates my already hungry infant, the lack of knowledge and conflicting advice from medical professionals, the expenses, going out to buy pricy and hard-to-find vitamins with my newborn in tow, the domperidone meds I hated putting in my body, the round the clock pumping, the types of pumps and sizes of flanges, the round the clock washing of pump parts and bottles in addition to nursing on demand, the weigh-feed-weighs after every feed, the hours and hours of research looking for an answer, the [unintended] hurtful comments from people I loved, searching for milk donors, praying whether to accept milk, SPILLING milk, the desperation and exhaustion..as you all know, it is a lot to endure. When I began to suspect IGT, I made an appointment with my midwife and nervously told her (I was very ashamed.). She dismissed it immediately (without checking my breasts), and prescribed oxytocin-- yet another thing "to try." I was also in a lot of pain the first month due to one of my tears during delivery. Because it was an artery and a deep tear, the blood loss and iron supplements caused health problems for another three months. That threw me for a loop as well.

I had come to feel that I would never fully heal from this time in my life. Physically, yes, but emotionally no. Two weeks ago I paid a highly recommended IBCLC to look at my breasts, and though I already knew it, she confirmed an obvious IGT diagnosis. 

So when I read the quote on that picture above, and I suddenly realized I felt triumphant, I had to put my thoughts to paper.

At 24.5 weeks postpartum, "it" doesn't hurt as badly. It's still difficult, and yes, I only make 2.5 oz IN A DAY according to the scale I've rented, but guys-- it's different. I don't know what changed, but I've climbed the mountain and I have a bird's eye view... and the road ahead is really, really beautiful. I'm overcome with gratitude.

FOUR amazing women have committed to donating milk for Annie over the last 6 months, and I've been so fortunate to never run out. Before this, I never even knew about milk sharing nor could have thought I'd trust these women the way I do. But beyond that, I get to be the mother of Annabelle Grace LaGravinese. 

She is a beautiful treasure. Because of everything the two of us endured, I have an unbreakable bond with my daughter. Nothing can defeat us. We both know I will never, ever give up on her. "It" really doesn't matter anymore, and in realizing that, all the power, confidence, and faith I had been questioning came rushing in. The esteemed badge of "exclusively breastfeeding" doesn't sting now. Now the thought of mothers breastfeeding their children while I struggle with a lact-aid and a daughter who wants to squeeze the milk out of the bag, just makes me smile a knowing, calm smile. This has been my story of becoming a mother, and it's unique. Exclusively breastfeeding is an incredible gift, and I pray that one day I will experience it. I am a believer that God is wholly good, and I trust Him with my life and motherhood; however, in this moment, I cherish the lact-aid because I get to nurse my daughter to her heart's content.

Our traumatic beginning is healing despite things not being the way I, and my many family and friends, had prayed. As we approach 6 months of breastfeeding next week, it's funny how this bodily weakness doesn't carry the weight and power over me that it used to. I am a humbler person than I was 6 months ago, and I have gained a strength that can't be shaken. I'm also at peace. Thank you "IGT and Low Milk Supply Support Group" for being incredibly encouraging and supportive no matter what choices we make or what happens to our milk supply. 

From the bird's eye view, I see that it really wasn't about breastfeeding. It was about me overcoming adversity as a daughter of the most high God, and as a mother of the most precious daughter. Overcoming adversity, the time it takes and the path one follows, is different for every one of us. So, I dedicate this blog to each of you women in the world that is fighting to give their child what they believe is best. The IGT and Low Milk Supply Support Group is an incredible extended family. It's ironic that I was once embarrassed to join this group on Facebook because I thought others would see and judge me. Now I am so proud to be a part of it.

Thank you admins for maintaining the low milk supply group for people like me. 

Love to you all, and a warm hug from one mom to another. 

The Story of Annabelle Grace

This story has gone unwritten for more months than I anticipated-- but trust me, it has sat in my heart growing and deepening with time. So, in celebration of her 6 month birthday, here it is. 

I love you always, Annie! 

8.22.12 @10pm

I was with my mom and grandma on a trip, visiting family in Wisconsin. We were staying at my Great Uncle Bert's home that night. Earlier in the day I sneaked away from the family to buy a pregnancy test, and now everyone had gone to sleep. I clearly remember feeling my heart beating, like I was being the sneakiest person known to man. And..as we all know now, the test revealed I was pregnant. Afterwards, I tiptoed to the living room couch and lay there in the dark, feeling God had just given me the key to a treasure that no one else knew existed. It felt so sacred; I won't ever forget that night. Just me and my baby. I whispered prayers of gratitude and blessing over my treasure, and in those whispers I heard God tell me my little girl was safe. LITTLE GIRL!? I wasn't even asking God for that secret! I, of course, had doubts to whether I really heard Him or not, but I tucked it in my heart and for the next 9 1/2 months, the knowing never fully left.  (Don't worry! I called Joe and told him I had found something pretty cool in Wisconsin. He was unsuspecting. When I got home, I had him open my old glasses case, where he found 3 [stinky] pregnancy tests.) I was shaking, but I caught three blurry photos of the day Joe became Dad.

Weekend of 9.1.2013
We waited until the weekend of my 27th birthday to tell everyone. My Grandma Willan shares the same birthday as me, so she opened up our "gift" at her party, where my side of the family was gathered.

At my birthday party put on by Nana and Pa LaGravinese, Joe did a card trick...little did they know it would reveal their first grandchild!

3.9.2012 @2pm
The pregnancy went by smoothly, one of my favorite seasons of life so far. Even when I had morning sickness (and threw up in a stranger's well manicured lawn on my way home from work!), I genuinely loved my pregnancy so much. In March, the women in my family and my friend Marion threw a baby shower at our house, "fiesta style." I've probably never felt as loved and supported as I did that day. Of course I cried trying to thank these incredible women.

My mother-in-law gave me a book that helped me pray for a pain-free labor. I didn't tell most people I was praying for that- I knew they'd think I was delusional. I looked up scripture to renew my mind and taped them to the mirror. Anytime I felt doubt coming about my labor, I went and read the passages. Joe and I were also reading through Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon-- such an awesome book. We learned a lot, and felt prepared to do this together. By the time I was 9 mo, I was pretty EXCITED! Anytime my midwife asked me if I was nervous or afraid, Id say I couldn't wait to deliver. It's funny to me now that I had no fear about labor.. literally never crossed my mind. Thanks to God.

4.3.13 @ 10pm
Our Bible study group had decided to take on a prayer challenge. So this was my first night of the challenge. I sat on the ground by my bed (because lying in bed would involve more sleeping than praying), and I began to pray for people on my mind. Out of nowhere, I felt the Holy Spirit talk to me about our baby. He said she'd come next Thursday. Immediately I did one those, "God, is that you?" The words of the Holy Spirit just sat in my heart comfortably..that's the best way I can explain it. Again, I had one of those is this me or this God type of conversations in my head. Feeling a bit excited, I thanked God and went back to praying.

I knew it was really weird that God had told me when our baby would be born. So it took a full day before I told Joe. When I did, he immediately said he had some work to get done! Hahaha I guess he believed me when I wasn't so sure myself. He started making lists and preparing at work for this impending day... I remained in a quasi-- eh, God, let's see if I really heard you-- state of mind. At church that weekend, Joe was leading worship and I was volunteering in the nursery. When church got out, I came back to the congregation and everyone was saying, Thursday, huh? The baby is coming Thursday?? Apparently Joe had announced while leading worship!? I was so embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know because I was afraid I hadn't really heard God. I was afraid I'd make God look bad or everyone would think I was a fool for saying that. But, oh well, my secret was out!

4.11.12 @4am
I woke up to contractions. They didn't hurt, but felt like light movements in my lower stomach. I was like, wow! Is this really happening on THURSDAY? Then I tried to go back to sleep. By 6 I gave up trying to sleep and went to rock in the rocking chair. As the day progressed, I continued to feel contractions at about 3 minutes apart. Yet, I didn't feel Joe should head home because I felt totally fine! So, I decided to go get my hair cut and styled, and on the way to the salon my mom called. After hearing that my contractions were holding steady at 3 minutes apart, she convinced me to call my midwife. I reluctantly did, and they advised me to go the hospital. I remember asking, "Do I have to?" The nurse chuckled and said she couldn't make me. So I got my hair cut instead. (The stylist was a bit jumpy when I told her I chose her over the doctor at the hospital, but the haircut turned out cute.)

By the time I returned home, my friend Kay was there to go for our 3 mi walk. (I didn't tell her I was having contractions.) When we were almost home from our walk, my contractions began to pick up. Kay joked (I think?) that she wanted to run home and leave me. She stuck it out though, and I got home sweaty and feeling good. We drank water, and off she went.

It was about 5pm. Joe and I decided to make pizza on the grill. At 6, it was done and my contractions were feeling kind of uncomfortable. We tried to put a movie on, but by the time I'd finished my pizza, I needed to move around to accommodate the contractions.

For the next hour and a half, they continued to progress to the point that I couldn't stand. I would lean on Joe's shoulders, supported by his arms, so I could just hang limp. He would time the contractions and talk me through them. He was incredibly comforting, and I relied 100% on him. I think he got a good workout! I remember looking at the clock at 7, thinking, I can make it another half hour. By 7:30 I was on all fours, swaying and moaning. At this point, I told Joe he'd better pack up the car! Suddenly, things were intense.

The car ride there was...long. I was on all fours in the front seat [read: super uncomfortable], moaning at every turn and bump in the road! Joe was trying to drive quickly, but there was no 'quick enough'! We arrived through the ER entrance at 8pm, and they offered me a wheel chair. I sat down for about 10 seconds before deciding I would much rather walk! The contractions kept coming, and I felt the eyes of everyone in the ER. I was putting on a show, moaning, leaning on Joe, with each wave of contractions. The nurse gave me a look of doubt and told me it was a long walk, but we did it. Every few minutes, I'd have to pause, lean on Joe for the contraction, and then we'd continue on.

Turns out I was 6cm dilated, so they admitted me. My room was nice and spacious. They set up a labor tub, and I hopped in the warm shower while the tub was filling. It instantly felt better. They took my heart rate, blood pressure, and measured contractions from the shower. The tub ended up being too hot, but after Joe had them empty half and add cooler water, I was able to get in. All I can say is, Ahhhhhhhhh. It was so soothing. At this point I think it was probably 9:30. For the next 2 hours I was primarily in the tub. Joe fell asleep on the couch, and I slept on and off in the tub. My midwife came in sporadically to ask how I was doing, and I told her I thought labor had slowed down. I wasn't feeling much.

So she left.

At 11:30 I was tired of wading in the pool, sitting on the yoga ball, and pacing the room. The contractions were coming every 5 minutes or so, but didn't feel as strong as before. Joe had curled up on the couch and fell asleep. Being in that dark room, I felt for a moment like giving up. It was so quiet and cool. I was so tired. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep so badly; I couldn't understand why labor had come to a halt. I prayed in the tub, asking God to help me. Was I supposed to have the baby like I thought He said? I felt Him tell me to alternate spending 10 minutes in the tub, 10 minutes walking, and so on. So, I did.

4.12.2013 Midnight 
A half hour later, just after midnight, Ramona [our midwife] came in. I was sitting on a yoga ball and sadly told her not much was going on. She offered to check how dilated I was, just to encourage me. I shrugged and agreed. She had me lay on the bed, and as she checked, I saw her eyes grow big. By this time Joe was up and at my side. Her warm Texan accent said something like, "Oh my, Rachel! You're at 10 cm! ... [look of disbelief]... let me check again." Sure, enough. I was. She said it was time to push this baby out!

I was so surprised. She was so surprised. Joe was so surprised! At this time, I felt NO contractions. I had been waiting for the transition period they talk about-- where contractions are overwhelming, you may throw up or want to give up because of how painful it is. I could have rolled over and fallen asleep. I felt so calm and at peace, ready to cozy up in a warm bed and sleep. Ramona couldn't believe my demeanor. I honestly didn't know any better. This was my first labor experience, and beyond hearing stories from other women, I really didn't know what was "normal."

At about 12:40am, Ramona monitored my contractions and told me when to push, since I didn't feel anything. I did what she said, and Joe was by my side, stroking my head and encouraging me that our baby was almost here. I was focused, but still felt no pain or fear. We did three sets of pushes. My midwife held one leg, a nurse attendant held the other, and Joe helped me sit up and push. I did my best to breathe and relax my body, like the Bradley book had taught us. Joe would remind me to relax when he felt me tensing up.

On the second set of pushes, my water broke, and I felt so giddy! The rush of warm water was soothing and relieving of the pressure I felt. I kept asking excitedly, was that my water? Was that my water? Ramona nodded, and seemed more serious than I did. On the third set of pushes, I let out a cry of pain, and at 1:08am Annabelle Grace LaGravinese was born. When I go back and watch the video, I can hear Ramona ask me if I'm ok, and she says something like, I'm so sorry, Rachel. It didn't occur to me then that something had happened, but now I know I had two tears, one of which was a 2nd degree tear on an artery. It led to a lot of bleeding, and a very difficult recovery. But that story is for another day.

Joe was filming, and I could hear him crying and saying, it's a girl! He was so happy, laughing through his tears. They rested her on my chest, and I cuddled her warm body. She felt incredible, and the hospital staff kindly cleared out, letting us be alone with her and our families for the next two hours. We had our little girl, and the story of Annabelle Grace LaGravinese begins. 

April 12, 2013

7lb 11 oz, 21 3/4 in

Annabelle Grace LaGravinese

Cleaning the Closet

We got new carpet in our house! Yay! It was so inspiring to see clean floors that I decided to organize our closet! Haha That turned into a good hour spent sitting on the floor reading through my collection of journals. They start in 3rd grade, and those are hilarious. Apparently pretty girls are the ones that can run fast. And I was life-alteringly embarrassed about asking my parents to get my ears pierced. I can't believe how boy crazy I was either! That led me to wonder if Joe and I will have a baby girl, and how in the world will we raise her to find security and confidence in Christ... and that led me to think how I found my confidence in Christ, and that was through the hardest tests of my life thus far. And on that note, I stopped reading my journals, and began to pray feverishly for Joe and I as parents! Hahaha. Oh my, girls are tough. Carry on all you parents of young ladies!

Anyway, after prayer intermission, I kept reading random passages all the way up through adulthood, and I came across those hard times in my life. When I began to read them, my throat started to feel constricted and my face got warm. It was hard to read; it stirred up bitter memories and pain. I considered throwing those pages away, actually several times. I could have sat there and cried for a long time. To my surprise (and probably yours too :), I didn't. Instead, my mind wandered to where I am now and kind of reflected on the process in between. And... then I cried, but out of gratitude.

It was a very humbling moment while "cleaning" the closet.

It's hard to put into words, but I think it's important to note this for myself, and as I prepare to be a mommy. When I wrote those journal pages, I remember being absolutely naive. And for the first 18 years of my life, I don't recall ever being in a situation where I was bullied, treated unfairly, or hurt on purpose. Is that uncommon? Maybe so. I did well in school, had a good job, had a trustworthy best friend... my formula was pretty simple: follow the rules, work hard, be kind and be around others that are kind. Ta-da! No troubles. Then, somehow, like magic- I turned 18 and things changed.

First, I started dating. That was a process in itself. Then, far more difficult, I met people that gossiped about me for no reason, and purposely would go out of their way to hurt me. I was in shock. What was wrong with these people? And where was this God I'd always believed in?? Between malicious people and dating.. I turned to God like I hadn't before. I wanted to know what he had to say now, not just that he was real. And, I heard God very clearly. I know many people probably doubt that is true or don't understand that. But it was during that time, God taught me something totally new and my relationship with him began.The first word I heard from him was concerning whether he was real, and concerning the validity of the Bible as I considered other religions with an open mind. That is a story for another time. But, in the midst of my world revolting against me, I heard this:

Luke 6:32-36
³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. ³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. ³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. ³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

That passage threw me for a loop. I believed that it was right to love every person no matter their color, nationality, or religion. But, if they treated you poorly, especially repeatedly, to leave them be, and move on with your life. (Also, it was then OK to therapeutically tell your family & friends horror stories about these enemies so they can side with you.) Good riddance. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved people. As long as they were nice back, or at least neutral.

But this Bible passage was different. I'd never had enemies until this point in my life, and now God told me to: be merciful, love them, do good to them, and lend to them without EVER expecting to get anything back.

WHAT?! To make a long story short, every time these people hurt or betrayed me, I'd go to my journal and write prayers for them. I also prayed desperately for God to help me love them, forgive them, and most of all, for God to protect me from harm. I didn't trust the people in the least bit. And more often that not, I felt fake, as I prayed and prayed for them. I didn't like them. In fact, I wanted to get as far away from them as possible!!!!! I also told God all about what they said or did to me, since I was trying hard not to go to my friends and family to talk about my enemies. It only made it harder for me to forgive them when I drudged it up again and again with friends & family. So, God became my best friend and guide. He still is! Love him!

As I said earlier, after re-reading those parts of my journals, remembering the pain of that time, my mind wandered to where I am now.

DATING: At the time of journaling regarding guys, God taught me to hate sin, and to pray for the man I wanted to meet. That's the only thing that guided me in ending my dating experiences- don't choose a partner that is accepting of sin, particularly sexual sin. (Note: I wasn't looking for someone who didn't sin, but someone who wanted to listen to God.) When things began to get physical with a guy I was dating, we'd end up having the sex talk, about how I didn't want to be intimate in a dating relationship. Then in time, it'd become clear, that whether the guy said he agreed or not (they always said they agreed), he really was just agreeing with me... and I certainly wasn't strong enough to be the only one in the relationship committed to a godly life. So that ended every relationship, slowly but surely. When I met Joe, I can tell you clear as day when I knew he was the man I wanted to go through life with. One night, we talked about sexual sin and he cried. Hard. I knew exactly why he was crying, because I had felt that same remorse many times. It was the knowing that you had wronged God when he'd already taught you what was right. From that day forward, Joe and I joined forces to follow God together, to support each other, pray for each other, and be honest with each other. I thank God for his grace in that time of my life where I was dating ungodly men, and for how God showed me how to do what I longed to do in my heart...yet felt powerless to do on my own. I am absolutely blessed... our marriage is a joy and a reminder of God's goodness. Joe is the most faithful, honest, giving, kind, compassionate, dedicated man.
*We were, and are, far from the example of holiness. That isn't the point of this paragraph. The point is that Joe is a man who struggles against ungodliness, rather than defends it. That's the kind of woman I am, and that's how I knew he was someone I could trust to be a real friend and lifelong companion.

LOVING THY ENEMIES: God somehow by his grace has made it possible for me to genuinely love my enemies. I don't understand it. All I know is he is merciful to the unkind and wicked, and through me having enemies, he has shown me what his love is like. I guess what's the weirdest thing about this part of God is that he gave that love to me. I didn't have to muster it up myself. I tried that, and it wasn't happening. Looking back, I can see that the process was to pray and listen to his guidance. He opened times to say a kind word here, to be merciful there, to give a hand. AND, for a long time I felt so fake doing this. I did NOT like the people I was doing this for. But, I loved God and I trusted God. So I spent a lot of time repenting because I'd still say ugly things about these people behind their backs. Even today, many years later, things will slip out of my mouth about them that I know are wrong. But I kept trying, and I didn't kick them to the curb like I really wanted to do, and lo and behold... here I am, today, and I can genuinely say I love them. I have compassion for them, I care about them, and I give willingly to them. I even WANT to do good to them.That's a miracle.

Most of these people haven't changed. They say and do ugly things that make me cringe and really, make me disgusted. I talk to God about it. ;) He tells me not to focus on their actions, but on his word, like in Luke 6 (quoted above)- to love. I don't consider these people friends or people I trust to be there for me. I don't expect anything from them. I know who gives me everything I need. :) And he does.

So, don't doubt God. Do what he says, and when you can't, pray that he would help you and change you. I know that I am a blessed woman. I also know that I owe the good things in my life to my Father in heaven. There isn't an iota of credit to my name, and that's kind of sad for part of me-- like, jeez. I suck. (I have journal pages dedicated to how depressed I was when I realized I sucked.) But, then, it's like a glorious awakening, that with faith in God, I am able to do all things. Everything he says is trustworthy, and for those that love him..really love him.. he works all things for their good.

Those are promises that have unfolded in my life. I love him more than anything. I hope it encourages you, too, that in times of hardship, you are not alone. When the world is against you, someone greater can be for you, if you want.

Instead of dwelling on who wronged you or how messed up thing are...
 "Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Ghandi

Because,
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." -MLK Jr.

Shine love, forgiveness, and mercy when no one else will-- not because you're the "better person," but because God does it for you every day. There's no better way to understand and appreciate Him than to humbly bow down and serve, knowing He has been serving you and is always with you.

I care more about what God thinks than what anyone else thinks, or what I think. Some say it's ignorant not to use my intellect to try and reason what is right or wrong-- I've found that intellect is not than intelligent. 

Others say it's unloving to care more about what God thinks, than what they think-- I've found that there is no more honest, satisfying, and powerful love than His.

We people can be ugly. The world has many wrongs. Tragedies happen that tear the heart to pieces. We can see these and genuinely cry, or scream, or feel defeated-- grieving the pains around us is natural and develops empathy as well as strength. But to stay in that place of sadness, anger, or defeat is to turn off the light in the darkness of night. You can rage and rage, or cry endlessly, or moan in agony about the defeat until the end of your days-- and at best, lose your sight; at worst, cause others to stumble and turn their light off too.

 So I pick myself up and trust that God is who He says He is, and nothing can take that away. As one of Jesus' disciples said, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13

I absolutely agree.

Grace is My Favorite Part of God These Days

"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us." -- C.S. Lewis

I saw this quote from C.S. Lewis the other day and thought it was meaningful, especially to my stage of life right now. I've experienced a lot of breakthrough's recently. To the onlooker they may appear insignificant, but for me, absolute miracles! Relationships mended, freedom from sins that have tangled me for a long time, changes in my thinking, healthy habits I longed for... just lots of amazing things. 

Let it be said that since childhood I have labored to conquer imperfection. I'm goal oriented. ;) Yet, imperfection clung around like a sea urchin on a rock in a storm. I have journal pages of goals, then remorse, and I definitely came to understand the feeling of 'not-good-enough-ness'. With that came more striving and goal setting... and the cycle continued. While goals are good and well, they don't produce lasting peace. Ultimately it has been the inability to produce enough perfection that led me to the realization I cherish today: I am weak. 

BUT HE IS STRONG!

 It reminds me of a children's song from summer vacation bible schools. You may have heard it. The lyrics went like, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong, we are weak, but he is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so." (If you haven't heard this relic, worry not-- here ya go!)

 

 Such a simple song, haha, but apparently the lyrics took a few years to hit home. 

Anyway, I have experienced more gratitude in the year 2013 than in all the years prior. I believe it's because of this teaching in 2Corinthians 12:9. The disciple Paul was originally Saul, a devout, highly respected Jew with all his ducks in a row and much of which to boast- the best education, family ties, religious ranking. Not to mention, goal-oriented and driven... until the day came that Jesus told Saul he had it all wrong. With new name, Paul placed his faith in Jesus Christ, and started serving Christ. He brought much knowledge and passion to the table. But he eventually faced a problem that was insurmountable. It just stuck around... yep, like a sea urchin clinging to a rock in a storm. Sound like something/someone in your life? After repeatedly asking God to help him, Paul tells of God's reply:

2Corinthians 12:9

⁹ But he [Jesus] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

And Paul immediately sees the situation differently:

Therefore I [Paul] will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

 When I would be having a difficult time with something or someone, my mom would say, "Rachel, you're trying to do it in your own strength! Just give it to God." That was annoying. I was like, Mom?! I AM praying for God to help me! But in certain matters, despite my best efforts, the trouble remained. What I didn't get, was that I was praying that God would give me more strength, give me more wisdom, give me more success, give me more. I failed to grasp that God was already strong enough, wise enough, and helpful enough for my circumstances. He didn't need me fixed or the people changed to accomplish good, he just needed me to know him and rely on him in every circumstance. If you look back at that verse from 2Corinthians 12:9, it is all about what God has and is-- not what we are and need.

I'm not saying the prayer for wisdom, for strength, for peace, etc. is wrong. But in my case, I was hung up on seeking God's blessings on my plan-- not about knowing, enjoying, or relying on the Almighty God.

Praise God that the day came..actually days... where I broke down and listened to God, like Paul did. All my plans suddenly felt insignificant and futile. Which led me to, for the the first time ever, question my purpose. If my plan wasn't about becoming an amazing teacher, daughter, wife, friend, Christian.... what was I? I suddenly lacked purpose and vision in the career that I'd been passionate about since I was a child. I even questioned why God created me. These were the glorious musings I had as it dawned on me that life in Christ wasn't about awesome me & my awesome dreams. 

  And so I quit my career.

With all those years of striving & dreaming & passionately pursuing goals under my belt, I automatically thought God led me out of one career to replace it with a more influential career. Instead, about a month or two after leaving, I was flooded with grace.  I wish I could explain what happened in my heart-- and then in my life. Grace is my favorite part of God these days. 

  It's like all the burdens and weight I was carrying was lifted. It almost feels wrong to be so full of joy. Like, why me? Why now? Idk. Guess that post will have to be for another day when God sheds light on that topic.

  And the new [only] goal? To enjoy the Almighty God, to know him, hear him, and act when he leads me to act. That said, the mountains in my life are now mole hills. Personal habits I'd prayed over for years are suddenly natural for me. (Crazy.) Problems & people that broke me down are blessings-- and here's the kicker, they didn't change at all. So, I know who is doing it... I mean, these were all things I wasn't able to do myself. That's what's been amazing about this season of grace.  I have his peace over my head, and I'm taking joy in trials nowadays. When I do struggle it doesn't really relate to my circumstances-- I forget who my God is, and I revert to trying to take care of myself. I wonder if that is true of us all?

Clearly, I don't know the steps to solving sea-urchin-like problems. If I did, shoot, I would have followed them years ago. Instead, what I found, is that the grace of God, in sending his son to die on the cross as a blameless lamb, has already provided everything we each need.

  Faith in God, a relationship with Jesus Christ, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

 So, it's a pretty simple plan. Every time you feel that stirring to do something about your situation-- to change this, fix that, start this, end that.... do the opposite, listen.

Talk to God. Read the Bible. He'll direct your paths.

In Christ, he promises life, freedom, and peace. Provision, protection, and health. 

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

Because, friend, didn't you watch the video?? Jesus Loves You, This I Know. 

Some great reading to go along: 

Matthew 6: 25-33

 Proverbs 3